Most people say that trust is the most important part of any relationship. There’s no question that trust is key to having a strong relationship, as it allows you to give each other some space and prevent any major jealousy issues. But there’s something even more important than trust, good communication. The human brain may process thoughts in same physically manner for all of us, but a person’s perspective and perception can have a huge impact on how they emotionally react to a situation. A lot of the time humans don’t understand each other, or at least don’t understand the full point or concept that is trying to be conveyed by the other person. It’s a common thing because each of us is a product of our environment, and our daily moods and emotions also play a part in how we see things at any given moment.
Couples often overestimate their ability to communicate with each other. For example, when my wife and I took our mandatory “couples class” before getting married last year we knew we’d have to do a lot of behavioral and communication exercises. We were positive that we’d have no problems since we were so in tune with each other. The truth was, we struggled (a lot) at many of the exercises because of breakdowns in communication. Not only did we have some trouble understanding what we were trying to say to each other, but many times having conflicting perceptions of what the question was really asking us in the first place. This is a key point to grasp, as it’s near impossible to be on the same page with someone if you’re both thinking of different questions altogether.
Being in tune with your ability (or inability) to communicate with someone is crucial because you need to be able to rationally think about what’s happening at some very irrational times. When couples fight, it sometimes just escalates for the sake of escalating. How many times have you argued with your significant other and just continued to bicker just because they were annoying you? We all have, and we all probably will continue to at least a little bit. But if you realize that your argument may just be a misunderstanding you can work harder to get to the real root of the question. At the very least you can pause and just verify that what you think the argument is about is actually what it’s about. I think you’ll be surprised as to how many times it’s not even what you think it is.
I think the reason couples have such a hard time communicating with each other is that they do know each other fairly well. When you know someone well, you notice their tendencies and that can sometimes skew your opinion of what they’re saying. We’re less likely to listen to each and every word since we think we know what they’re getting at, when it reality we could be influenced by sometime totally unrelated. That comfort level we feel with them sometimes causes us to not listen as attentively as we could (and should).
The biggest step in strengthening any relationship is realizing these little behaviors that cause us to have conflict in our lives. If we can recognize when we’re doing them, it gives us a much better chance of not letting them get the best of us. The only way to change is to see our behaviors for what they are, and work to improve them. Those couples that are able to conquer those challenges and have open communication with each other will ultimately be the happiest.
