Dating can be complicated. Sometimes in our dating lives we’re faced with moral dilemmas like dating a friend’s ex. You can’t control how you meet someone, and what if you happen to have a lot in common? There are a lot of factors that contribute to whether or not it’s a good idea, including your friend’s opinion, how serious you are about the person, how long (and seriously) they dated your friend, and the impacts of your relationship on your friendship. These are not easy situations to deal with, and that alone should be something that you consider.
A lot of the outcome of the situation will rest on your friend’s shoulders. People are different and have different perspective on their exes. Some could care less about their exes, and might actually even wish you well if you’re really close and they have completely moved on. Others are totally territorial about all of their exes, even those they only dated for a few weeks or months, and would be completely against it. Most people usually fall somewhere in between, so you really have to treat it as a case by case basis. Here are some general guidelines for deciding whether or not to pursue dating your friend’s ex.
1 – Talk to your friend about it first
This is the most important step. If you truly have a friendship, you should be able to talk to your friend about it. Be open and honest, and see what they say. They may be okay with it, they may not be…or they may act like they are but really not be. This is a touchy subject and something that people don’t necessarily handle very well. Try to get the clearest picture of what they feel, and let them know that they can be honest with you.
2 – Talk to their ex about it
The obvious next step is to talk to their ex about the possibility and ramifications of any relationship you may have on your friendship and also their life as well. It will affect both of you. Chances are this is something that you might have already been discussing with that person if you’ve been spending time together already.
3 – Don’t put it all in their face
This can be difficult. If you’re friend is one that you hang out with all the time or even see on a daily basis…chances are this type of situation won’t work. If the three of you are constantly in the same space, it’s a recipe for disaster. Emotions are tough things to mess with, and unless there can be some kind of clean break between the relationship and the friendship, it will never work.
4 – Realize that at some point you’ll have to make a choice
If you think that you’ll just be able to keep the relationship and the friendship together forever, you’re wrong. With situations like this, either one or the other (or possibly both) goes away over time. Either your relationship will progress to something serious, and the friendship fades away. Or the relationship just isn’t what you thought it would be and you decide to keep the friendship. The chances of having both for the long-term are slim to none.
As you can see, dating your friend’s ex has a lot of potential for bad things to happen, and very little hope for good. Basically the only way it ends up working out is if that person ends up being the love of your life and you go on to lead a wonderful life together (minus the friend you lost along the way). For some people, the hope of finding that is enough to risk a friendship. That is a decision that you’ll have to make on your own after analyzing your situation as much as possible. Tread lightly, burning bridges can end up leaving you stranded in the end.
