In part one of our article on abusive relationships we talked about some basic reasons why your man might be treating you the way that he does.
The most common tactic that abusers use in relationships is guilt. The longer you expose yourself to abuse, the more likely you are to think that it’s normal behavior. Humans are good at adjusting to their environment, and even if you’re in an abusive environment, eventually your mind and body will create ways to deal with it. Some people cope by suppressing their feelings, while others put the onus on themselves. Whenever incidents escalate (like they always do), the victim will blames themselves acting like they were ones that provoked the abuse. This is a ridiculous way of looking at the situation, but it is a common theme in abusive relationships.
Most times abusers rule their households with an iron first, using fear as a tool to control you and possibly your family. The constant fear of conflict creates an atmosphere that keeps you submissive. Abusers use that submission as a means to do whatever they feel. Usually they will do little things to make you think that they are inherently good, like being nice and loving for a night or two. But in the end, the actions we take define who we are. Don’t let a few good times make up for years of abuse. A real man brings stability and strength to your world, and makes you feel good about yourself.
While counseling may be an option for relationship troubles, I think the first course of action in any abusive relationship is getting out. If you decide that counseling is something that you want to your man to explore, do it from a distance. An abuser’s triggers may seem driven by you or your family, but in reality they are personal issues that have manifested themselves into the physical or emotional anger that you’re dealing with on a daily basis. In order to truly improve, it would take a considerable personal effort and I don’t believe you should you or your family in danger during that time.
There are no easy decisions when it comes to abusive relationships. Even when you know you should leave, the fear that comes with the possible actions of your abuser make it a dangerous situation. The best advice is to surround yourself with people that you know love and care about your well being, and use their help and strength to get out of your abusive situation. Don’t put yourself and the future of your family at risk, do what is necessary to protect yourself and your children. The longer you remain, the greater the possibility that the abusive nature will be passed on to you or your children and continue the cycle of abuse.
If you’re in an abusive relationship and don’t know where to get help, start with the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.
